Supporting Someone You Love: A Guide to Encouraging Therapy

There's a horrible feeling of helplessness that comes from watching someone you love struggle. But on top of this, you may feel like you’re the only one holding the burden. It might be reassuring to know that we receive several inquiries each month from concerned family or friends here at Plum Psychology. So we are well-placed to offer tips on managing this if you're in this situation.

Common Concerns from Friends and Family

Some examples of worries we hear include: “I can't do this on my own anymore" or, “I don't know what to do or say to help them."

Whilst you can’t make someone choose to have therapy, you can make it feel safer, practically possible, and less shame-filled to consider as an option.

Importantly, as a clinical psychologist, I want you to know how to protect your own emotional wellbeing along the way. If is often a heavy burden to carry - this blog will help you both support your loved one and care for yourself.

Understanding Resistance to Therapy

What “Resistance” Is Really About

For many people, the concept of therapy represents something really daunting, such as:

• Admitting things aren’t really okay (and perhaps haven't been for a while).

• Feeling exposed, judged, or “too much” for others.

• Fear of being blamed (or told they’re the problem).

• Fear of opening the lid and not being able to close it again.

• Investing time and money in themselves (perhaps for the first time).

• Overcoming fears about “making a fuss.”

• Confronting previous bad experiences with helping professionals (“I tried it, and it didn’t help.”).

• Finding words to describe things they've never shared before.

• Feeling like things have gotten really bad ("Therapy is for people with serious problems; if you're suggesting I need this, you must think I'm mentally unwell.").

  
  

Your loved one may resonate with more than one of these points. It’s crucial not to view their avoidance of professional support as stubbornness or “just being difficult.” We need to treat these blocks with care and understanding. There are likely tricky negative emotions at play, such as fear, shame, overwhelm, or mistrust.

Recognising that there may be multiple layers of resistance to therapy can help you have more productive conversations together about it all as well.

How a Psychologist Would Approach This: Stages of Change Model

These conversations should NOT be about trying to convince them to come to therapy, but more about considering how ready they might be for change or accessing professional help right now.

The authors of the Cycle of Change model* suggest that people tend to move through specific stages when making positive changes in their lives. Therapy often plays a role when they are in the preparation, action, or maintenance stages. Importantly though - they may not move through these stages in a straight line; they may oscillate back and forth. Either way, having a sense of which stage they're in at any point can inform the kinds of conversations you can have.

Stage 1: “It’s Not a Problem” (which may sound more like “I’m Fine.”)

This is the pre-contemplation stage of change. It might sound like:

• “It’s not that bad.”

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “Therapy is for people who can’t cope.”

• “I don’t need to talk to a stranger.”

  
  

Underneath this could be the need to protect their self-image, avoid feelings of embarrassment or shame, or there might be a fear they will be seen as weak. Moreover, they might not yet have connected the dots between how they feel and the stressors in their life.

What Helps At this Stage?

Stay genuinely curious about what's happening for them. Consider any conversations you have as planting a seed or introducing an idea rather than staging an intervention. Try asking:

• “I might be wrong, but I’ve noticed you seem more drained lately. How is it really for you?”

• “What’s been hardest recently?”

• “What do you find yourself doing to cope when you're really low?”

  
  

Name the stressors they've been under. Many people tend to minimise these or fail to see the wood for the trees when they're in the midst of a difficult patch. Having an external, caring person name and list these can help spark a realisation that they're carrying a lot. It can also normalise their feelings and why professional support could be helpful.

When having these conversations, tend to your own wellbeing so that you mood doesn't escalate and cause an outburst. It might be tempting to tell them they're in denial or NEED therapy but this will backfire.

Stage 2: “Maybe It’s a Problem… But I’m Not Doing Therapy.”

This is the contemplation stage of change. What it might sound like from them:

• “I know I’m not great, but therapy isn’t for me.”

• “I wouldn’t even know what to say.”

• “It’s too expensive / too much effort / too awkward.”

  
  

Beneath this is likely to be the fear of the unknown regarding therapy (what happens? Will they diagnose me? Will they think I'm wasting their time?). They may fear feelings - especially if they’ve become good at staying busy to avoid such emotions. They might also fear being judged or fear what they’ll discover.

What Helps at This Stage?

Offer a low-pressure suggestion that invites a mindset of 'testing the waters' with regards to therapy:

• “Would you be open to an initial, no-obligation conversation, just to see what they're like?”

• “What if you tried a consultation just to hear if they think therapy could help?”

• “If we found someone who specialises in your situation, would it feel different?”

  
  

Try to Avoid Overwhelming Them By:

• Sending them ten therapist profiles and demanding they choose.

• Repeatedly bringing it up when they’re already flooded (e.g., after an argument, panic attack, or cry).

• Treating therapy as a punishment: “Either you go, or I’m done.”

  
  

Stage 3: “I’m Thinking About It… But Not Yet.”

This is the preparation stage of change. It is promising, but momentum for action around this may still be fragile. Hints that they're in this stage include:

• “I’ve thought about it.”

• “Maybe in the new year.”

• “I don’t even know where to start.”

  
  

Beneath this could be ambivalence or lack of enough motivation about the benefits of therapy, or perhaps there's uncertainty about how to take the next steps.

What Helps At This Stage

This is where you can be practical by offering support that preserves their autonomy:

• “If you're overwhelmed right now, do you want me to look up a few options? You can decide if any feel right.”

• “Would it help to talk through what you’d want from a therapist?”

• “What would make it feel easier to take the first step?”

  
  

You can also ask questions that therapists might use:

• “What would it mean for you if you don't make any changes now, say in six months?” (Note: It's important to get the tone right here; we don't want to say this in a scary way, just as a gentle reality check.)

  
  

Ambivalence needs patience and practical problem-solving with someone who can see the big picture more clearly. Have these conversations when they aren't too tired or overwhelmed already. Ensure they don't feel pressured; remember, you can pause for a tea break before continuing. A breather can be very helpful when discussing hard topics.

Stage 4: “Okay… I’m Up for Trying It. What Do I Do?”

This is the action stage of change. What it might sound like:

• “Can you help me find someone?”

• “What if it doesn’t work?”

• “What do I even say in the first session?”

  
  

What Helps At This Stage

Make the first steps as friction-free as possible, with their permission. Here’s a practical step-by-step approach:

1. Decide what they want help with (one sentence is enough). “I’ve been anxious and snappy” / “I feel numb” / “I can’t switch off” / "I think I'm getting panic attacks" / "I can't sleep."

2. Choose the format that fits best: online/in-person, time of day, budget (to work out roughly how many sessions they can allocate).

3. Shortlist 2–3 therapists who specialize in that issue.

4. Ask if the clinic will accept a referral from you or if they need to speak to the person themselves. At Plum Psychology, we are happy to accept referrals from concerned family and friends, provided this is done with their consent and that they are available to be present for an initial free call if they don't feel ready to take that step alone.

5. Book an initial call to check for fit with the therapist.

6. Agree on a “review point” after three sessions: “Do I feel understood? Do I have a clearer plan?”

   
   

You can also support them in preparing for the first session by normalizing any nerves and offering to sit with them to make a list of points they want to share so they don't forget.

Try Not To:

• Overload them with information.

• Making it a huge emotional milestone (“This will change everything!”).

• Monitor them (“Have you booked yet?”) like a project plan.

  
  

Stage 5: “They’ve Started Therapy… Now What?”

This is where loved ones can unknowingly get in the way of therapy by asking too many questions and expecting change too quickly. It’s a fine balance between showing care and interest while respecting that they need space for the process. Improvement does not happen in a straight line; it can fluctuate depending on many factors you may not be privy to.

What Helps When They're In Therapy?

Offer them care and support but be prepared to not know the details, examples of how to approach this include:

• “How do you want me to support you around therapy - practically or emotionally?”

• “Would you like to talk after sessions, or would you prefer space?”

• “I’m proud of you for starting, even if it’s messy.”

  
  

Remember: Their therapy is theirs. Even if you're offering support or financial assistance, it's important they feel autonomous and able to choose how much they share. They do not owe you feedback.

The most effective support at this stage is often practical. Therapy can be intense and hard to make space for. Even if it's 'only' one hour of their time with the therapist per week, they may feel tired afterward and need time to collect their thoughts or do homework set, like reading chapters, journaling, practicing techniques, or trying out new behaviors. You can support their therapy by:

• Taking something off their plate (one concrete task that they are usually responsible for).

• Helping with childcare cover for an appointment.

• Ensuring they have a quiet house if their therapy is online (perhaps taking the kids or dogs out for the duration of their session).

• Offering to read anything that will help you understand them or the process they're going through better (e.g., any handouts they think you would also benefit from).

• Offering problem-solving space for any logistics making homework hard (e.g., when to fit in their meditation or journaling at the start or end of the day).

  
  

What If They Refuse Therapy Completely?

This may feel painful and difficult to accept. However this doesn't mean that you cannot tend to your own wellbeing - whilst you care deeply for them you cannot be their only support system and take all the responsibility for their wellbeing.

Questions to Pose To Yourself To Help Work Out What You Need

• Am I starting to feel completely overwhelmed by this situation?

• Am I becoming the emotional regulator for both of us?

• Am I tiptoeing around their moods?

• Is my nervous system constantly braced?

• Am I the only one holding their emotional wellbeing right now when there are others who could help?

  
  

If you recognise yourself here, it may be time to shift from trying harder to get them into their own support to getting support for yourself. The longer you carry the full weight, the more likely you are to burn out, become resentful, or become unwell yourself.

How to Care for Yourself While Supporting Them

I know it might feel hard to read this section, but it matters just as much as the “how to encourage them” part.

1) Have You Become an Informal Carer for Them? It's possible that their mood has declined to the point that you are carrying a lot of caring responsibilities and could be entitled to financial support and services for this. Ask your GP for a Carers Assessment to learn more.

2) Get Your Own Support. A therapist for you doesn’t mean you're “the problem.” It means you’re taking your reality seriously.

3) Set Boundaries To Protect Yourself. Examples:

• “I can talk about this for 20 minutes, then I need a break.”

• “I’m not going to be shouted at. I’ll step away and we can try again later.”

• “I care about you, and I also need sleep / calm / predictability.”

  
  

4) Name Your Limits

“I love you. And I can’t be the only place this goes. I need us to widen the support around you.”

When to Seek Urgent Help Instead of “Waiting for Readiness”

There are moments where the question isn’t “how do I encourage them into therapy?” but “are they safe?” If you’re worried about immediate risk (self-harm, suicidal thoughts, violence, severe substance use, psychosis, or the safety of others), don’t carry that alone.

In the UK, urgent options can include contacting their GP, local crisis teams, or emergency services if there’s immediate danger. If you’re not sure, it’s still okay to seek advice. Getting guidance is not overreacting; it's sensible and helps indicate to professionals what the situation is.

This Is Hard

If you’re reading this because you’re trying to help someone you love, you’re already doing something important: you care about them. If they’re not ready yet, that doesn’t mean nothing is changing. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is keep the door open and keep believing that change is possible, especially when they cannot hold that belief for themselves.

How Plum Psychology Can Help

At Plum Psychology, our team of HCPC-registered Clinical Psychologists and therapists support people with burnout, anxiety, trauma, emotional overwhelm, and the stuck patterns that can make life feel smaller.

If your loved one is curious but unsure, an initial consultation can be a gentle way to explore what support might look like—without pressure or commitment beyond that first step.

And if you are the one holding it all, you’re welcome to contact us too.

Reference: Prochaska, J.O. & DiClemente, C.C. (1983). Stages and processes of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.*