Supporting Someone You Love: A Guide to Encouraging Therapy

There’s a specific kind of helplessness that comes from watching someone you love struggle. You may feel like you’re the only one holding the burden. It might be reassuring to know that we receive several inquiries each month from concerned family or friends here at Plum Psychology. We are well-placed to offer advice if you're in this situation.

Common Concerns from Loved Ones

Typical worries we hear include:

• “They keep repeating the same patterns and refusing help.”

• “I can't do this on my own anymore.”

• “I don't know what to do or say to help them."

  
  

As a Clinical Psychologist and the lead of Plum Psychology, I want to say something gently but firmly upfront: You can’t make someone choose therapy. But you can make it feel safer, more practically possible, and less shame-filled to consider this step.

Importantly, I want you to know how to protect your own emotional wellbeing along the way. You may be carrying a heavy burden right now. This blog will help you do both: support your loved one and care for yourself.

Understanding Resistance to Therapy

What “Resistance” Usually Means

For many people, the concept of therapy represents something daunting. It can mean:

• Admitting things aren’t really okay (and perhaps haven't been for a while).

• Feeling exposed, judged, or “too much” for others.

• Fear of being blamed (or told they’re the problem).

• Fear of opening the lid and not being able to close it again.

• Investing time and money in themselves (perhaps for the first time).

• Overcoming fears about “making a fuss.”

• Confronting previous bad experiences with helping professionals (“I tried it, and it didn’t help.”).

• Finding words to describe things they've never shared before.

• Feeling like things have gotten really bad ("Therapy is for people with serious problems; if you're suggesting I need this, you must think I'm mentally unwell.").

  
  

Your loved one may resonate with more than one of these points. It’s crucial not to view their avoidance of professional support as stubbornness or “just being difficult.” We need to treat these blocks with care and understanding. There are likely tricky negative emotions at play, such as fear, shame, overwhelm, or mistrust.

Recognizing that there may be multiple layers of resistance to therapy can help you have more productive conversations together.

A Helpful Reframe: Stages of Change

Instead of approaching this with “How do I convince them?” try “How ready are they right now?”

Research shows that people tend to move through specific stages when making positive changes in their lives. Therapy often plays a role when they are in the preparation, action, or maintenance stages. They may not move through these stages in a straight line; they may oscillate back and forth. But having a sense of which stage they're in can inform the kinds of conversations you can have.

Stage 1: “It’s Not a Problem” (or: “I’m Fine.”)

This is the pre-contemplation stage of change. It might sound like:

• “It’s not that bad.”

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “Therapy is for people who can’t cope.”

• “I don’t need to talk to a stranger.”

  
  

What’s Often Underneath

They may be protecting their self-image, avoiding feelings of embarrassment or shame, or fearing they will be seen as weak. They might not yet connect the dots between how they feel and the stressors in their life.

What Helps

Stay genuinely curious. Consider any conversations you have as planting a seed or introducing an idea. You're not staging an intervention. Try asking:

• “I might be wrong, but I’ve noticed you seem more drained lately. How is it really for you?”

• “What’s been hardest recently?”

• “What do you find yourself doing to cope when you're really low?”

  
  

Name the stressors they've been under. Many people tend to minimize this or fail to see the wood for the trees when they're in a difficult patch. Having an external, caring person name and list these can help spark a realization that they're carrying a lot. It can also normalize their feelings and why professional support could be helpful.

Outbursts to Avoid

When having these conversations, tend to your own wellbeing. Outbursts that tend to backfire include:

• “You need therapy.”

• “You’re in denial.”

• “If you don’t get help, you’ll ruin everything.”

  
  

These statements will make therapy seem like a threat or ultimatum, likely having the opposite effect of making it seem appealing.

Stage 2: “Maybe It’s a Problem… But I’m Not Doing Therapy.”

This is the contemplation stage of change. What it might sound like:

• “I know I’m not great, but therapy isn’t for me.”

• “I wouldn’t even know what to say.”

• “It’s too expensive / too much effort / too awkward.”

  
  

What Could Be Underneath

Fear of the unknown regarding therapy (what happens? Will they diagnose me? Will they think I'm wasting their time?). They may fear feeling—especially if they’ve become good at staying busy to avoid emotions. They might also fear being judged or fear what they’ll discover.

What Helps

Offer a low-pressure, face-saving step of suggesting they test the waters with therapy:

• “Would you be open to an initial, no-obligation conversation, just to see what they're like?”

• “What if you tried a consultation just to hear if they think therapy could help?”

• “If we found someone who specializes in your situation, would it feel different?”

  
  

Make therapy practical:

• “Therapy isn’t always about digging into childhood. Sometimes it’s simply getting support and tools for what’s happening now.”

  
  

What Tends to Backfire

• Sending them ten therapist profiles and demanding they choose.

• Repeatedly bringing it up when they’re already flooded (e.g., after an argument, panic attack, or cry).

• Treating therapy as a punishment: “Either you go, or I’m done.”

  
  

Stage 3: “I’m Thinking About It… But Not Yet.”

This is the preparation stage of change. It is promising, but momentum may still be fragile. What it might sound like:

• “I’ve thought about it.”

• “Maybe in the new year.”

• “I don’t even know where to start.”

  
  

What’s Often Underneath

Ambivalence and not enough momentum, confidence about how to take the next steps, or clarity about how therapy could play a role in a positive outcome.

What Helps

This is where you can be gently practical by offering support that preserves their autonomy:

• “If you're overwhelmed right now, do you want me to look up a few options? You can decide if any feel right.”

• “Would it help to talk through what you’d want from a therapist?”

• “What would make it feel easier to take the first step?”

  
  

You can also ask questions that therapists might use:

• “What would it mean for you if you don't make any changes now, say in six months?” (Note: It's important to get the tone right here; we don't want to say this in a scary way, just as a gentle reality check.)

  
  

What Tends to Backfire

• “If you were serious, you’d have booked by now.”

• “You’re just making excuses.”

  
  

Ambivalence needs patience and practical problem-solving with someone who can see the big picture more clearly. Have these conversations when they aren't too tired or overwhelmed already. Ensure they don't feel pressured; remember, you can pause for a tea break before continuing. A breather can be very helpful when discussing hard topics.

Stage 4: “Okay… I’m Up for Trying It. What Do I Do?”

This is the action stage of change. What it might sound like:

• “Can you help me find someone?”

• “What if it doesn’t work?”

• “What do I even say in the first session?”

  
  

What Helps

Make the first steps as friction-free as possible, with their permission. Here’s a practical step-by-step approach:

1. Decide what they want help with (one sentence is enough). “I’ve been anxious and snappy” / “I feel numb” / “I can’t switch off” / "I think I'm getting panic attacks" / "I can't sleep."

2. Choose the format that fits best: online/in-person, time of day, budget (to work out roughly how many sessions they can allocate).

3. Shortlist 2–3 therapists who specialize in that issue.

4. Ask if the clinic will accept a referral from you or if they need to speak to the person themselves. At Plum Psychology, we are happy to accept referrals from concerned family and friends, provided this is done with their consent and that they are available to be present for an initial free call if they don't feel ready to take that step alone.

5. Book an initial call to check for fit with the therapist.

6. Agree on a “review point” after three sessions: “Do I feel understood? Do I have a clearer plan?”

   
   

You can also support them in preparing for the first session by normalizing any nerves and offering to sit with them to make a list of points they want to share so they don't forget.

What Tends to Backfire

• Overloading them with information.

• Making it a huge emotional milestone (“This will change everything!”).

• Monitoring them (“Have you booked yet?”) like a project plan.

  
  

Stage 5: “They’ve Started Therapy… Now What?”

This is where loved ones often unknowingly get in the way of therapy by asking too many questions and expecting change too quickly. It’s a fine balance between showing care and interest while respecting that they need space for the process. Improvement does not happen in a straight line; it can fluctuate depending on many factors you may not be privy to.

What Helps

• “How do you want me to support you around therapy—practically or emotionally?”

• “Would you like to talk after sessions, or would you prefer space?”

• “I’m proud of you for starting, even if it’s messy.”

  
  

Remember: Their therapy is theirs. Even if you're offering support or financial assistance, it's important they feel autonomous and able to choose how much they share. They do not owe you feedback.

The most effective support at this stage is often practical. Therapy can be intense. Even if it's 'only' one hour of their time with the therapist per week, they may feel tired afterward and need time to collect their thoughts or do homework set, like reading chapters, journaling, practicing techniques, or trying out new behaviors. You can support therapy by:

• Taking something off their plate (one concrete task that they are usually responsible for).

• Helping with childcare cover for an appointment.

• Ensuring they have a quiet house if their therapy is online (perhaps taking the kids or dogs out for the duration of their session).

• Offering to read anything that will help you understand them or the process they're going through better (e.g., any handouts they think you would also benefit from).

• Offering problem-solving space for any logistics making homework hard (e.g., when to fit in their meditation or journaling at the start or end of the day).

  
  

What If They Refuse Therapy Completely?

This may feel painful. It’s also where you need to take care of yourself because your own wellbeing might be the only area you can currently control.

Two truths can be present at the same time:

1. You can deeply care about them.

2. You cannot be their entire support system.

   
   

Questions to Ask Yourself (Gently, Honestly)

• Am I starting to feel completely overwhelmed by this situation?

• Am I becoming the emotional regulator for both of us?

• Am I tiptoeing around their moods?

• Is my nervous system constantly braced?

• Am I the only one holding their emotional wellbeing right now when there are others who could help?

  
  

If you recognize yourself here, it may be time to shift from trying harder to get them into their own support to getting support for yourself. The longer you carry the full weight, the more likely you are to burn out, become resentful, or become unwell yourself.

How to Care for Yourself While Supporting Them

I know it might feel hard to read this section, but it matters just as much as the “how to encourage them” part.

1) Get Your Own Support. A therapist for you doesn’t mean you're “the problem.” It means you’re taking your reality seriously.

2) Set Boundaries That Protect Your Nervous System. Examples:

• “I can talk about this for 20 minutes, then I need a break.”

• “I’m not going to be shouted at. I’ll step away and we can try again later.”

• “I care about you, and I also need sleep / calm / predictability.”

  
  

3) Stop Making It Your Job to Fix Their Feelings. You can offer care without taking responsibility for their internal world.

4) Name Your Limits with Warmth.

“I love you. And I can’t be the only place this goes. I need us to widen the support around you.”

Scripts You Can Borrow (and Adapt)

Sometimes the biggest hurdle is simply how to say it. Here are a few options, depending on tone:

Soft and Caring

“I’ve noticed you’ve been carrying a lot. I don’t want you to have to do it alone. Would you be open to trying one session, just as an experiment?”

Practical and Low-Pressure

“What if we treat it like getting a physio assessment? One appointment to understand what’s going on and what might help—no commitment beyond that.”

Honest About Impact

“I’m worried about you, and I’m also feeling the strain. I want us to have support around this, not just the two of us.”

After a Blow-Up (Not Immediately, Once Everything Is Calm Again)

“I don’t want us to keep repeating this cycle. I think we need help, and I’d like us to explore what support could look like.”

If They Had a Bad Past Experience

“I get why you’d feel skeptical after that. Therapy can vary wildly. If you tried again, what would need to be different for it to feel right?”

When to Seek Urgent Help Instead of “Waiting for Readiness”

There are moments where the question isn’t “how do I encourage them into therapy?” but “are they safe?” If you’re worried about immediate risk (self-harm, suicidal thoughts, violence, severe substance use, psychosis, or the safety of others), don’t carry that alone.

In the US, urgent options can include contacting their GP, local crisis teams, or emergency services if there’s immediate danger. If you’re not sure, it’s still okay to seek advice. Getting guidance is not overreacting; it's sensible and helps indicate to professionals what the situation is.

This Is Hard

If you’re reading this because you’re trying to help someone you love, you’re already doing something important: you care about them. If they’re not ready yet, that doesn’t mean nothing is changing. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is keep the door open and keep believing that change is possible, especially when they cannot hold that belief for themselves.

How Plum Psychology Can Help

At Plum Psychology, our team of HCPC-registered Clinical Psychologists and therapists support people with burnout, anxiety, trauma, emotional overwhelm, and the stuck patterns that can make life feel smaller.

If your loved one is curious but unsure, an initial consultation can be a gentle way to explore what support might look like—without pressure or commitment beyond that first step.

And if you are the one holding it all, you’re welcome to contact us too.

Reference: Prochaska, J.O. & DiClemente, C.C. (1983). Stages and processes of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.*