How to Encourage a Loved One to Try Therapy

Supporting someone who is struggling?

There’s a specific kind of helplessness that comes from watching someone you love struggle… and feeling like you’re the only one holding the burden. You may find it reassuring to know that we get a few enquiries every month from concerned family or friends here at Plum Psychology, so are well placed to offer some advice if you're in this situation.

Typical worries we hear include:

• “They keep repeating the same patterns and refusing help.”

• “I can't do this on my own any more”

• “I don't know what to do or say to help them"
  

As a Clinical Psychologist (and lead of Plum Psychology), I want to say something gently but firmly upfront: You can’t make someone choose therapy. But you can make it feel safer, more practically possible, and less shame-filled to consider this step.

Importantly though I want you to know how to protect your own emotional wellbeing along the way. You may be carrying a lot of burden on your own right now. This blog will help you do both.

First: what “resistance” to therapy usually is

For many people the concept of therapy represents something hard, it means:

• Admitting things aren’t really OK (and perhaps haven't been for a while)

• Feeling exposed, judged, or “too much” for others

• Fear of being blamed (or told they’re the problem)

• Fear of opening the lid and not being able to close it again

• Investing time and money on themselves (perhaps for the first time)

• Getting over fears about “making a fuss” that many of us have

• Potentially overcoming previous bad experiences of helping professionals (“I tried it and it didn’t help”)

• Trying to find words to describe things they've never shared before

• Feeling like things have got really bad ("therapy is for people with really bad problems, so if you're suggesting I need this then you must think I'm really mentally unwell")

Your loved one may tick more than one from this list, so it's important not to treat avoidance of professional support as stubbornness or "just being difficult".

We need to treat these blocks with care and understanding, so keep in mind that there are probably some tricky negative emotions showing up if you introduce the idea of therapy: fear, shame, overwhelm, or mistrust…

This insight (that there may be multiple layers of blocks to therapy) could help you to have more productive conversations together.

A helpful reframe: people move towards change in stages

Instead of approaching this with “How do I convince them?” try “How ready are they right now?”

Research* shows that people tend to move through specific stages when making positive changes in their life. Therapy tends to play a role when they are in the preparation, action, or maintenance stages. They may not move through these stages in a straight line, they may oscillate back and forth. But it’s a useful map to have a sense of which stage they're in, because this will inform the kinds of conversations you are able to have.

Here are the stages, in plain English, plus what to do (and what not to do) in each.

Stage 1: “It’s not a problem” (or: “I’m fine.”)

This is the pre-contemplation stage of change. It might sound like:

• “It’s not that bad.”

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “Therapy is for people who can’t cope.”

• “I don’t need to talk to a stranger.”

What’s often underneath

Protecting their self-image. Avoiding feelings of embarrassment or shame. Fear of being seen as weak or needing help. Or simply not yet connecting the dots between how they feel and the stressors in their life.

What helps

Stay genuinely curious. Consider any conversations you have as planting a seed or introducing an idea - you're not staging an intervention.

Try:

• “I might be wrong, but I’ve noticed you seem more drained lately. How is it really for you?”

• “What’s been hardest recently?”

• “What do you find yourself doing to cope when you're really low?”

Name the stressors they've been under, many people tend to minimise this or fail to see the wood for the trees when they're in the thick of a difficult patch. Having an external, caring person name and list these can help to spark a realisation that they're carrying a lot, and can serve to normalise their feelings and why professional support could be helpful.

Try to tend to your own wellbeing when having these conversations so you can feel calm and well. Outbursts that tend to backfire

• “You need therapy.”

• “You’re in denial.”

• “If you don’t get help, you’ll ruin everything.”

Will make therapy seem like a threat or ultimatum, and will likely have the opposite effect of seeming like an appealing option.

Stage 2: “Maybe it’s a problem… but I’m not doing therapy.”

This is the contemplation stage of change. What it might sound like

• “I know I’m not great, but therapy isn’t for me.”

• “I wouldn’t even know what to say.”

• “It’s too expensive / too much effort / too awkward.”
  

What could be underneath

Fear of the unknown of therapy (what happens? Will they diagnose me? Will they think I'm wasting their time?). Fear of feeling - especially when they've become good at staying busy to avoid emotions. Fear of being judged. Or fear of what they’ll discover.

What helps

Offer a low-pressure, face-saving step of suggesting to test the waters with therapy:

• “Would you be open to an initial, no-obligation conversation, just to see what they're like?”

• “What if you tried a consultation only to hear if they think therapy could help?”

• “If we found someone who specialises in your kind of situation, would it feel different?”

Make therapy practical:

• “Therapy isn’t always about digging into childhood. Sometimes it’s simply getting support and tools for what’s happening now.”

What tends to backfire

• Sending them ten therapist profiles and demanding they choose.

• Repeatedly bringing it up when they’re already flooded (e.g. after an argument, panic attack or cry)

• Treating therapy as a punishment: “Either you go, or I’m done.”
  

Stage 3: “I’m thinking about it… but not yet.”

This is the preparation stage of change. It is promising but momentum may still be fragile. What it might sound like

• “I’ve thought about it.”

• “Maybe in the new year.”

• “I don’t even know where to start.”

What’s often underneath

Ambivalence and not enough momentum, confidence about how to take next steps or that this is the right course of action, or clarity about how therapy could play a role in a positive outcome.

What helps

This is where you can be gently practical by offering support that preserves their autonomy:

• “If you're overwhelmed right now you want me to look up a few options, and you can decide if any feel right?”

• “Would it help to talk through what you’d want from a therapist?”

• “What would make it feel easier to take the first step?”

You can also ask the kind of question that therapists might use:

• “What would it mean for you if you don't make any changes now, say in six months?”(note - it's important to get the tone right here, we don't want to say this in a scary way, just as a gentle reality check)

What tends to backfire

• “If you were serious, you’d have booked by now.”

• “You’re just making excuses.”

Ambivalence needs patience, and practical problem solving with someone who has the ability to think and see the big picture more clearly. Do these conversations when they aren't too tired or overwhelmed already and ensure they don't tip into being experienced as pressurising - remembering you can pause for a tea break before continuing - a breather when discussing hard topics can be very helpful.

Stage 4: “Okay… I’m up for trying it. What do I do?”

This is the Action stage of change. What it might sound like

• “Can you help me find someone?”

• “What if it doesn’t work?”

• “What do I even say in the first session?”

What helps

Make the first steps as friction-free as possible, with their permission to do so

Practical step-by-step:

1. Decide what they want help with (one sentence is enough).“I’ve been anxious and snappy” / “I feel numb” / “I can’t switch off / "I think I'm getting panic attacks" / "I can't sleep"

2. Choose the format that fits best: online/in-person, time of day, budget (to work out roughly number of sessions they can allocate to this)

3. Shortlist 2–3 therapists who specialise in that issue

4. Ask if the the clinic will accept a referral from you or if they need to speak to the person themselves - at Plum Psychology we are happy to accept the referral from concerned family and friends, we ask that this is made with their consent and that they are available to be present with you for initial free call, if they don't feel ready to take that step alone.

5. Book in an initial call to check for fit with the therapist

6. Agree a “review point” after 3 sessions: “Do I feel understood? Do I have a clearer plan?”

You can also support with prep for the first-session by normalising any nerves and offering to sit with them to make a list of points they want to share so they don't forget.

What tends to backfire

• Overloading them with information.

• Making it a huge emotional milestone (“This will change everything!”).

• Monitoring them (“Have you booked yet?”) like a project plan.

Stage 5: “They’ve started therapy… now what?”

This is where loved ones often unknowingly get in the way of the therapy by asking too many questions and expecting change too quickly. It's a fine balance between showing care and interest but respecting that they need space for the process. Plus it's important to know that improvement does not happen in a straight line - it can go up and down depending on many factors that you may not be privy to.

What helps

• “How do you want me to support you around therapy - practically or emotionally?”

• “Would you like to talk after sessions, or would you prefer space?”

• “I’m proud of you for starting, even if it’s messy.”

And a little note to remember: Their therapy is theirs, even if you're offering support or financial assistance, it's important they feel autonomous and able to choose how much they share - not that they owe you feedback.

The most effective support at this stage is often practical, especially because therapy can be intense. Even if it's 'only' one hour of their time with the therapist per week they may feel tired afterwards and may need time to collect their thoughts or do homework set, like reading chapters, journaling, practicing techniques, listening to meditation audios, or trying out new behaviours. You can support therapy by:

• Taking something off their plate (one concrete task that they are usually responsible for)

• Help with childcare cover for an appointment

• Ensuring they have a quiet house if their therapy is online (perhaps taking the kids or dogs out for the duration of their session so there aren't distracting noises in the house)

• Offering to read anything that will help you to understand them or the process they're going through better (e.g. any handouts they've been that they think you'd also benefit from absorbing)

• Offer problem-solving space for any logistics that's making homework hard e.g. when to fit in their meditation or journalling at the start or end of the day, perhaps you can build in time in the evening, or after dinner (if you live together).

What if they refuse therapy completely?

This may feel really painful. And it’s also where you need to take care of yourself - because your own wellbeing might be that this is the only area you can currently control.

Two truths can be present at the same time:

1. You can deeply care about them.

2. You cannot be their entire support system.

   
   

Questions to ask yourself (gently, honestly)

• Am I starting to be completely overwhelmed by this situation?

• Am I becoming the emotional regulator for both of us?

• Am I tiptoeing around their moods?

• Is my nervous system constantly braced?

• Am I the only one holding their emotional wellbeing right now when there are other people who could be helping?

If you recognise yourself here, it may be time to shift from trying harder to get them into their own support to getting support for yourself. Because the longer you carry the full weight, the more likely you are to burn out, become resentful, or become unwell yourself.

How to care for yourself while you’re supporting them

I know it might feel hard to read this section but it matters just as much as the “how to encourage them” part.

1) Get your own support. A therapist for you doesn’t mean you're “the problem.” It means you’re taking your reality seriously.

2) Set boundaries that protect your nervous system. Examples:

• “I can talk about this for 20 minutes, then I need a break.”

• “I’m not going to be shouted at. I’ll step away and we can try again later.”

• “I care about you, and I also need sleep / calm / predictability.”

3) Stop making it your job to fix their feelings. You can offer care without taking responsibility for their internal world.

4) Name your limits with warmth.

“I love you. And I can’t be the only place this goes. I need us to widen the support around you.”

Scripts you can borrow (and adapt)

Sometimes the biggest hurdle is simply how to say it. Here are a few options, depending on tone:

Soft and caring

“I’ve noticed you’ve been carrying a lot. I don’t want you to have to do it alone. Would you be open to trying one session, just as an experiment?”

Practical and low-pressure

“What if we treat it like getting a physio assessment? One appointment to understand what’s going on and what might help - no commitment beyond that.”

Honest about impact

“I’m worried about you, and I’m also feeling the strain. I want us to have support around this, not just the two of us.”

After a blow-up (not immediately, once everything is calm again)

“I don’t want us to keep repeating this cycle. I think we need help, and I’d like us to explore what support could look like.”

If they had a bad past experience

“I get why you’d feel sceptical after that. Therapy can vary wildly. If you tried again, what would need to be different for it to feel right?”

When to seek urgent help instead of “waiting for readiness”

There are moments where the question isn’t “how do I encourage them into therapy?” but “are they safe?”. If you’re worried about immediate risk (self-harm, suicidal thoughts, violence, severe substance use, psychosis, or the safety of others), don’t carry that alone.

In the UK, urgent options can include contacting their GP and asking to speak to their duty doctor, NHS 111, local crisis teams (although they may only take referrals from patient's previously open to them), or emergency services (999) if there’s immediate danger. If you’re not sure, it’s still okay to seek advice. Getting guidance is not overreacting - it's sensible and helps to indicate to professionals what the situation is.

This is hard

If you’re reading this because you’re trying to help someone you love: you’re already doing something important - you're caring about them. If they’re not ready yet, that doesn’t mean nothing is changing. Sometimes the most powerful thing you do is keep the door open and keep believing that change is possible and that things will improve, especially when they cannot hold that belief for themselves.

How Plum Psychology can help

At Plum Psychology, our team of HCPC-registered Clinical Psychologists and therapists support people with burnout, anxiety, trauma, emotional overwhelm, and the stuck patterns that can make life feel smaller.

If your loved one is curious-but-unsure, an initial consultation can be a gentle way to explore what support might look like - without pressure or commitment beyond that first step.

And if you are the one holding it all, you’re welcome to contact us too.

Reference: *Prochaska, J.O. & DiClemente, C.C. (1983). Stages and processes of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.